Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

scrabbled eggs

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.