I have never related to anyone more.
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups