I have never related to anyone more.
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No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.