i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
You Might Also Like
mom gave me mine for free
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.