i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
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Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
“You’d better run, egg!”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”