Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’