i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
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Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
She was REALLY feeling it.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?