Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

my sentiments exactly

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

me hooking up with my ex

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!