I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
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[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work