Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.