I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
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*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food