I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
incredible
![]()
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
first you must answer his riddles
![]()
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?