I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
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[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
dude it’s called proctologist
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.