I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
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Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.