Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

i’m so sick of this guy

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?