I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
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Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.