Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD