I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
You Might Also Like
Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
First date
Him: tell me about yourself
Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Woke up against my better judgement again
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.