I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
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Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.