Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

it’s a van. how do they not know this

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.