i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
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My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.