i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
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I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Me when I’m ovulating
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
oh shit
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Like sleeping!
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.