i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
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ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
when someone compliments me
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!