Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

My birthstone is a marshmallow

😂

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Owl Sanctuary

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle

me: after this song, hold on

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving