Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.