I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
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The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show