I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
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Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
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Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.