Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

The best plant holders?

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

Ah yes. The three genders

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.