I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
You Might Also Like
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.