Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

I used the label maker

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?