I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
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“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
eggs benadryl
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
japanese corn
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Y’all know who you are.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.