I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
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“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”![]()
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
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What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”