I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
