I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
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Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you