I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
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Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
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Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My hips? Compulsive liars.