Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

Hilarious if literal: arms race

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice