Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.