Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR