I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
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Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I beg your pardon?
