Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

According to math, I’m broke

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Reminder:

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.