I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.