I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I have questions??
