I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
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At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*