I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
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According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow