I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
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In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
dictator is short for richard potato
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.