Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?