Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

Banana is the quietest snack

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.