Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

Raisins are grape jerky.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.