Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

Love it! 👍😂

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

Cucumbers Anonymous

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.