Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

October 31

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

Spring of Deception