Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

haha same

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.