I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
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That’s no pocket rocket.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.