I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
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China are probably making all the medals anyway.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
just left a huge legacy in there
Weirdos gonna weird.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”