I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
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I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I drew y’all a little something.