I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
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“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
That’s commitment
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
It’s the weekend y’all
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.