Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.