Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

pizza

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom