I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
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My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie