I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
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*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Finally!
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”