Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes