I have no passwords left in me
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Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
😤😤
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget