Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

I love twitter

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper