“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
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You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Weirdly Wednesday.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.