Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

Always

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.