“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
You Might Also Like
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?