Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
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[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.