“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
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‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.