Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

Not even remotely sorry.

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight