I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

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I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.


I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad


1. Bang knee on table – curse life.
2. Check credit card balance.
3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.


Other mom: We only eat organic, gluten free foods.
This mom: My toddler ate the lint off the rug so now I don’t have to vacuum today.


My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager


Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.


My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.


GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude


[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”


A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either