ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.
I can’t wait to find out what new undeleteable apps that I don’t want will be on the new iPhone.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
therapist: eliminate the negative energy from your life
me: [nods] stop eating vegetables
*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great