I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
1. Bang knee on table – curse life.
2. Check credit card balance.
3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.
Other mom: We only eat organic, gluten free foods.
This mom: My toddler ate the lint off the rug so now I don’t have to vacuum today.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
ME: a blue one
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either