I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Goat cheese is for herders.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores