I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
My time has come.