I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
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OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Lmao
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!