I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
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My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…