Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

what do you want

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

So many pants.
So little yoga.

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

This is me 🤣🤣

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?