I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
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Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.