I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
You Might Also Like
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Good morning, Twitter x
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.