I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
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(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring