Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.