I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
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Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Only a mother’s love …
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Look at this
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie