I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
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I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think