I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
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Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!