Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery